Friday, June 11, 2010

what am i going to do without you?

"what am i going to do without you?", these exact words, placed, more like stapled, across my conscience in big bold scribbles of roman times font. "what AM i going to do without you?" i don't really know. Its always been this way, people drift in and out of your life, you remember some of them, but most get just a passing-glance. I can't stop thinking about people leaving me that im beginning to forget about those who are just coming into my life. It is as true as air and water that we are a species built on communication, communication to those who surround us, to those we despise, and more importantly, to those we love.

It is coming/going that breeds our dynamic culture. Though the world seems like it has reached a standstill, this is hardly true. We project the image of being settled, of having "stability", or being "whole", but in truth, we are constantly shape-shifting and moving ourselves around. Our physical bodies never stop distancing ourselves from each other, sometimes beyond point of recognition or human connection.
But the question is.
does anyone ever really "leave"?

the people that come into your life, that manage to actually effect you, never leave. you can try all you want to stop thinking about them, to pretend you don't know them when you see them casually, to punish every thought of them or physical memory to some terrible and horrible end, but just the thought of forgetting something is just as bad as having an obsession with it. people, physical bodies, they are eraseable. memories, feelings, unfortunetly, they are not.

it will always be these feelings that condemn our poor race to longing. terrible longing, followed with heartache or ennui. perhaps, a lifetime of a reminiscing for a husband and his divorced wife, a small child waiting to find his mother, a lover streched distances apart.

for all i know, i hate it when people leave. as a daughter of an OCD and a woman who likes to retain all emotion and thought, i can't stand it when people leave. I have a terrible time communicating my ache, I don't like the loss of control, i hate it when something that I have "found" to put into my current lifestyle, leaves. every interaction i make fits like perfect needlework into a quilt that ive been making since my birth. the minute a string comes undone, the whole image is ruined.

so, What AM i going to do WITHOUT you?
I don't know
for all i know, i defintively didn't tell you i loved you enough, i honestly dont think i even told you at all, but i think you knew. i was excited to a possible relationship with you, it didn't need to be anything special, but just to have you near. i definitively didn't hang out with you enough, i will miss you terribly, there is no way to make up for anything now. i wish you luck, you are perfect to me. its funny how we lose our most precious items to cities, towns, countries...would it be easier if we lost them to fires, flash floods and tragic accidents?

there is no way to tell.
death and distance breed a special kind of lust. it is definitively sexual, painful, and impossible to shake. there is no relief, no moment of clarity, it is a mind-fuck that never stops. i could never tell you which one is worse.

so ya, life is dynamic. fuck this. i don't care if its supposed to be this way, to form some stupid fucking connection with someone, have them move five hundred million miles away and hope that someday in the future you'll meet again, maybe they'll be a successful buisiness man and you a struggling artist, you'll get it on and he'll buy all your stupid fucking paintings and you'll life happily ever after.

i would be healthy if it wasn't for this "coming/going" of people in my life all the time.

it won't be cigarettes
it won't be liquor
it won't be diet.

this fucking coming/going is killing me.