Friday, June 11, 2010

what am i going to do without you?

"what am i going to do without you?", these exact words, placed, more like stapled, across my conscience in big bold scribbles of roman times font. "what AM i going to do without you?" i don't really know. Its always been this way, people drift in and out of your life, you remember some of them, but most get just a passing-glance. I can't stop thinking about people leaving me that im beginning to forget about those who are just coming into my life. It is as true as air and water that we are a species built on communication, communication to those who surround us, to those we despise, and more importantly, to those we love.

It is coming/going that breeds our dynamic culture. Though the world seems like it has reached a standstill, this is hardly true. We project the image of being settled, of having "stability", or being "whole", but in truth, we are constantly shape-shifting and moving ourselves around. Our physical bodies never stop distancing ourselves from each other, sometimes beyond point of recognition or human connection.
But the question is.
does anyone ever really "leave"?

the people that come into your life, that manage to actually effect you, never leave. you can try all you want to stop thinking about them, to pretend you don't know them when you see them casually, to punish every thought of them or physical memory to some terrible and horrible end, but just the thought of forgetting something is just as bad as having an obsession with it. people, physical bodies, they are eraseable. memories, feelings, unfortunetly, they are not.

it will always be these feelings that condemn our poor race to longing. terrible longing, followed with heartache or ennui. perhaps, a lifetime of a reminiscing for a husband and his divorced wife, a small child waiting to find his mother, a lover streched distances apart.

for all i know, i hate it when people leave. as a daughter of an OCD and a woman who likes to retain all emotion and thought, i can't stand it when people leave. I have a terrible time communicating my ache, I don't like the loss of control, i hate it when something that I have "found" to put into my current lifestyle, leaves. every interaction i make fits like perfect needlework into a quilt that ive been making since my birth. the minute a string comes undone, the whole image is ruined.

so, What AM i going to do WITHOUT you?
I don't know
for all i know, i defintively didn't tell you i loved you enough, i honestly dont think i even told you at all, but i think you knew. i was excited to a possible relationship with you, it didn't need to be anything special, but just to have you near. i definitively didn't hang out with you enough, i will miss you terribly, there is no way to make up for anything now. i wish you luck, you are perfect to me. its funny how we lose our most precious items to cities, towns, countries...would it be easier if we lost them to fires, flash floods and tragic accidents?

there is no way to tell.
death and distance breed a special kind of lust. it is definitively sexual, painful, and impossible to shake. there is no relief, no moment of clarity, it is a mind-fuck that never stops. i could never tell you which one is worse.

so ya, life is dynamic. fuck this. i don't care if its supposed to be this way, to form some stupid fucking connection with someone, have them move five hundred million miles away and hope that someday in the future you'll meet again, maybe they'll be a successful buisiness man and you a struggling artist, you'll get it on and he'll buy all your stupid fucking paintings and you'll life happily ever after.

i would be healthy if it wasn't for this "coming/going" of people in my life all the time.

it won't be cigarettes
it won't be liquor
it won't be diet.

this fucking coming/going is killing me.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

the beautiful art of falling apart.

keep love in your hands, fear in your eyes, and hate in your gut.

1. let go
2. close your eyes
3. get sick

that way its only 3 steps to feeling better.


Monday, May 3, 2010

why blog?

Okay I've decided.

I am going to base my blog off a term project, thanks EPHE 142, you da bomb.

I am going to blog about the people who move me most. Who motivate me most, who inspire me every day to persue a dream or stream of thought that brings me joy.

It isn't uncommon to be inspired by those who surround you, to be moved by the smallest actions or devastated by mere expressions.

My friends, my families, my lovers, my life.

this is what this blog is about.

the sparrow and the medicine. everyone has a preferred antidote to the ills of their sparrow.

i guess each sparrow is made unique by what cures it, and inversely, by what ails it.

from my bosses at my multiple jobs...(sweet jesus) to the strangers, to the lovers, to the people i've passed and people i've met in the street, hell, maybe even the people i 'next' on chatroulette; I realize that my life is filled with people that interest me, bore me, excite me and anger me.

How incredible is it to be so multi-faceted?

it is these feelings that encourage me to live

i hope that i can somehow translate my feelings to you in the most tasteful and sophisticated way possible.

and this is why i blog.



ps. fucking usher is stuck in my head

oh my god oh oh oh oh oh oh fuck you usher and your fucking catchy bullshit songs

Thursday, April 29, 2010

so much excess...


too many clothes, so little space, so many dollar bills gone.

My lifestyle of clothes hoarding must cease!
This is ridiculous

I will be selling a variety of vintage dresses, coats, sheos and other misc.

this shit is most sad. as is this blog.
one sweetday this will be legit.

and until then,

Monday, April 26, 2010

sorry i just had too...

this is my little sister Melia, good genes run in our family thankfully.

sooo pretty!

mad cheds to her fab photographer friend Robbie.

so so pretty i wish i had things like this when i was in highschool.
i was just too busy being a straight up nerd.

and until then,





(yes caps was needed)

maybe i'm not big 'cause i don't blog or twitter...

Well sucks to your ass-mar piggy, i'll be famous now.

To be quite honest I'm terrifed. All this internet up in my grill, trying to understand shit like twitter and blogs will be the death of me. This kind of stuff is inevitable nowadays... I have to thank my buddy lucas for convincing me to tweet and now to blog.

Okay. So this is like a diary, but a much more composed and sophisticated version of a 'melissa' diary. Most entries of mine begin with "so today i tripped and ate shit..."

it takes mad chedda to be relentless kultz like me and continue to live. I have so much street cred you graceful ballerinas out there ain't got nothing on me.

now i'll write about feelings and shit like that...maybe one day this blog will find direction, but now it remains a terrible manifesto of my hopes and dreams to be an internet sensation.

Also, this will be to keep my favourite colombian boy updated with all the nonsense he'll be missing out on whilst tanning on the fabulous beaches of Nuqui Colombia...(if you ever go there bud, shred gnar on some stumps)

the sparrow and the medicine is a beautiful song by the even more beautiful tallest man on earth. his voice is haunting. ooh... gives me chills. its the kind of stuff you listen to when you're in love and the same kind of stuff you listen to when you're heartbroken. trust me. I know.

and maybe he's not big because he doesn't blog or twitter...but I doubt that. Shad is one sexy rapper and you should be checking it out.

and until then,


oh i guess i should be reppin myself

theres nothing there
is moi

still don't know what the fuck a tweet is.
but maybe one day i'll understand.